Frequently in my consultation groups, I hear from therapists, “They just aren’t getting it.” They are referring to the couples they are treating who feel particularly frustrating to the therapist. “We’ve talked about the same things over and over again, and nothing is changing,” exclaims the exasperated therapist.
I gently explain to the therapist that it’s not the couple who isn’t getting it–it’s all three of them in the room who haven’t gotten it–YET. The right brains of the partners are trying every way they are able to express important and difficult feelings, but the treatment system hasn’t yet discovered the precisely correct words to describe the affective experience that is attempting to get metabolized. The word “yet” contains the expectation that it will happen–that sticking with the process will eventually lead to all three of them “getting it.”
What does sticking with it look like? It is patient, in-depth exploration of the same material repeatedly, with the type of curiosity that conveys a perpetual interest and conviction that the system will deliver the right words. It means trying many creative avenues to release those words that have been locked in scary, traumatized realms of the partners’ minds and arduously resisting communicating to the couple that they are in any way being uncooperative with the search.
Sticking with it in therapy has been compared to mining. Mining is a slow, disciplined digging through one layer at a time in order to safely reach a desired treasure. Each layer of discovery during treatment is necessary to maintain enough emotional safety to risk the next layer. If miners give up at a premature layer, they never discover the treasure. In therapy, not sticking with it means no one ever fully gets it.
Our modern mental health care systems work against us in this realm of sticking with it. They limit the number of sessions they will pay for and tell us in essence, “Get on with it!” Our western ways of thinking and accomplishing tasks that often sit in the back of our minds say, “Get on with it!” Our patients who are in pain tell us, “Get on with it!” But we must hold firm for the sake of the right-brain process that controls the pace of the treatment. Our brains want to heal, and they are doing it as fast as they can. Our belief in this fact helps us guide the treatment process with the conviction that sticking with it will pay off.
At those moments when we find ourselves thinking about a couple, “Why aren’t they getting it?”, we should ask the follow-up internal question, “Why am I thinking about this right now?” The answer to this question will likely yield surprisingly helpful clues about what is being enacted by the couple that is leading to an experience of impatience in the therapist, thereby potentially uncovering a new layer of unmetabolized feelings.
