There is no doubt that treating couples is often quite difficult. This is a primary reason that many therapists decide to not treat couples at all. In fact, statistics say that the rate of failure for couple therapy is higher than for individual therapy.
Sticking with couple therapy requires knowing how to deal with moments of feeling that failure, which often manifests as irritation and impatience within the therapist. As I introduced in the last blog post, feelings within the therapist are important clues that the treatment system has needed to elicit feelings in the therapist to get unmetabolized emotions from inside the partners into the treatment room. The right-brain, nonconscious system between partners is perfectly designed to bring up feelings that are waiting to be experienced and understood, even if they can only become conscious within the therapist first. Of course, this is similar to the countertransference we have all studied in individual treatment, but it is within the wider system of three brains.
Sticking with it means not interpreting anyone’s participation in the treatment as problematic. Every conversation, piece of behavior, or reaction is a critical part of the process of giving voice to old wounds, traumas and losses. Instead of succumbing to the temptation to correct a partner’s behavior, the therapist who is feeling irritated might say something like, “I’m wondering why I’m feeling so confused/frustrated/inadequate/angry at what is happening here. I know this means something very important but I don’t know what it is yet. Maybe you can help me find the words.” This type of statement emphasizes that all three brains in the room are working together to solve the mystery and produce the right words that will metabolize the partners’ feelings.
Eliciting feelings from within the therapist is a natural and logical way for the partners’ brains to maintain integrity and safety, so it is a very helpful part of the process. The children within the partners observe how the therapist deals with feelings that are initially too threatening for the partners to consciously own and express. The therapist who doesn’t disintegrate in the presence of feared affect is modeling that the feelings themselves are not destructive and can be put into words. Therapists who demonstrably emotionally activate while hearing the partners’ painful childhood stories give the couple the experience of the healthy response that their families of origin were not capable of giving them. All of these benefits of the system eliciting feelings from the therapist enhance metabolizing.
Obviously, as stated above, this is a difficult and slow process. Often the partners get frustrated and impatient, right along with the therapist, leading to understandable wishes to flee the treatment. When those wishes take the form of blaming the therapist for failing, it can be particularly painful for the therapist. Sticking with it requires that the treatment system works to explore the wish to flee, rather than collapsing under its pressure.
Back to "Sticking With it Part 1"
