Exploring the Wish to Flee

Fleeing treatment is an understandable wish.  Effective Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is often frightening and painful–sometimes horribly painful.  Metabolizing historical feelings requires that they be relived precisely as intensely as they were originally experienced when first stored, along with the perceived sense of danger that was present in the original experience.  It makes sense to be scared of this process, so addressing the wish to flee should be seen as a normal part of the treatment.

Exploring the wish to flee involves recognizing when it is present and guiding a couple through a process of exploration to understand why the wish is there and then decide together what the treatment system should do about it.  When the wish to flee is directly expressed as a decision to stop therapy or a request to be referred to another therapist, engaging the couple in curious questioning about why this decision has come up at that particular time is essential.  Sometimes a partner brings up quitting therapy as a type of threat.  Exploring the feelings behind this threat will likely reveal important new material.  However, if a partner genuinely wants to leave the relationship, patiently and nonjudgmentally exploring the wish to leave treatment might help that partner develop the courage to state their desire to end the relationship in a productive rather than destructive manner.

Sometimes the wish to flee is expressed in a subtle way.  Perhaps the couple asks, “Is there something we could read?” or “Could we have some homework assignments?” or “Couldn’t you just give us some tips on what to do?”  There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these requests; they are usually attempts to take time-outs from the intensity of right brain work through engaging the left brain.  The therapist must consider that a temporary lessening of intensity–or even a short hiatus from therapy–may be necessary to maintain the couple’s sense of safety with the treatment.

And then there is the conundrum of seeing one or both partners in separate sessions–whether this suggestion comes from them or the therapist.  All three of the participants in the treatment must ask themselves and each other, “Why is this coming up now?”  What do all of us hope to gain by it?”  Could we be attempting to flee difficult feelings?”  No matter the conscious reaction of the couple, their right brains cannot feel safe with this arrangement.  The treatment system must be intact with no possibility of secrets for the deepest, oldest, most embedded, most trauma-laden feelings to be available for its natural healing process.

Ultimately, the right brains of the partners are in control of the therapy.  They know the pacing of unearthing old traumas, losses and wounds that can be tolerated without emotional and/or mental disintegration.  Respecting their pacing, while patiently demonstrating the healing capacity of their relationship, will spark the wish to stay in treatment.

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